The Memories We Share
by MaddyEternity
Summary: It's a story about rising affections, secret relationships and the price Hakkai and Gojyo have to pay for regaining their memories from the past. *Warning: Past Mpreg.


„Did you guys fight?"

Sanzo stood before Gojyo, hands folded, dressed in only his black clothing. The moon's bright light casted a shadow over the other's face, making him look grumpier than usual. Gojyo was sitting on a bench, not too far away from the housing, their shared for the night. Smoking one cigarette after the other, tasting the sweet poison, staining his lungs over and over again. He looked at Sanzo, sighing quietly.

"It's nothing", he answered, looking away at the wide landscape where water was scarce, and the wind blew sand from one place to the other. Sanzo was not moving, obviously not happy with the answer, but for Gojyo everything was settled with just that. He didn't want to share what Hakkai had told him about their past lives. It was nothing of importance to Sanzo or even Goku at that point. They – Hakkai and him – had to figure out by themselves what their shared memories meant in this life. It somehow ached just to think about the distance they had chosen now to prevent unnecessary things from happening. To prevent a bond from forming, far stronger than friendship could ever be…

He inhaled the grey smoke one more time, snipping the cigarette butts away. Sanzo let him go without asking another question regarding him and Hakkai. Sometimes it was really nice to not have somebody constantly negging about everything. Just simply watching from afar; and he knew that Sanzo was watching them interact with each other ever since he had found out that they were able to recall little by little from their past lives.

Gojyo walked through narrow streets; deep in thoughts. Taking a walk in the middle of the night distracted him from the problems that were slowly forming between him and Hakkai. They couldn't avoid each other; ignoring each other on a daily basis. Not because they traveled together, but there was something pulling them towards one another each time they tried to put a little more distance between them.

Gojyo opened the door to their shared room quietly. An old lady had offered them her son's house who got himself killed by some youkai months ago. The house was a small building, had only three rooms to offer whereby the third room contained a washing area. Sanzo had suggested to group Goku with Hakkai for the night, to separate Gojyo from Hakkai, but the suggestions failed when Hakkai had stepped in to assure Sanzo that he would be fine to share a room with Gojyo. For a brief moment Sanzo had looked confused. Surely, he did notice that something was off, but it wouldn't benefit any of them to split up like that now.

The door opened with a squeaking noise which lead Gojyo to a halt for a brief moment. He looked inside the room to see if had woken up Hakkai, but the other one wasn't even asleep; sitting against the cold wall.

Gojyo sighed, closing the door behind him.

"Did you wait for me?", Gojyo asked.

He could see the faint smile on Hakkai's face; the moon's light falling on his form through the only window the room had to offer.

"Yes", Hakkai answered.

Their futons were spread out beyond the floor, making the room look much smaller. He undressed himself, throwing the cigarettes on the floor next to his futon while closing the distance between them.

"Shoes", Hakkai blamed him.

Eyes rolling, Gojyo kicked his shoes into the other corner of the room. He walked over the soft bedding towards his companion, kneeling down, eyeing him worryingly.

"You should really sleep. You look like you died a few times and came back undead", Gojyo told him.

"I-", Hakkai started, cutting himself off, avoiding his gaze.

"We can do it like yesterday, if you want. If that is what lets you sleep", he suggested.

"Yeah, that would be nice", Hakkai whispered.

Gojyo went back to his futon, looking over his shoulder to make sure Hakkai crawled into his own bedding while he pulled his pillow and blanket closer to the other's futon.

Hakkai laid down, facing him, lips forming words that were really unnecessary at this point.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Just sleep now."

Hakkai closed his eyes the moment Gojyo had made himself comfortable next to the other man. Neither did he mind the close proximity, nor did he really care about Hakkai's request to sleep a little bit closer than usual. Everyone was plagued by nightmares, even Sanzo. But what these dreams distinguished them from the normal nightmare, that haunted them, was what they were made of – bits of flashbacks of their pasts.

 _"I never knew you were good with kids", Tenpou teased his subordinate._

 _Kenren smile grew wider – somehow that Goku-boy had bewitched him._

 _"You are just jealous, Field Marshal", Kenren remarked._

 _"Of course."_

 _Their steps echoed throughout the corridors while sakura pedals were blown in their faces. Kenren lighted another cigarette while offering Tenpou one as well._

 _"Have you ever thought of having your own?", Kenren asked, voice quieter than usual._

 _Tenpou avoided his gaze, looking at the red floor, noticing the uneven wooden planks. They passed a few servants and other soldiers from the east division who greeted them formally. Tenpou left the question unanswered. He could basically feel Kenren's frustration building up. Why did he had to ask this? They were men of the military, of course they longed for a normal life – without thinking about death which basically awaited them at every corner, even in Heaven._

 _They entered his office – messy as usual. Kenren closed the door behind him, knowing that their conversation needed to be a bit more private. Tenpou approached his desk, looking at the book in front of him._

 _"Do you want", Tenpou finally spoke," a girl or a boy?"_

 _He traced the carved letters on the cover, listening to the footstep coming closer. Kenren gripped his arm, causing Tenpou to meet his gaze._

 _"Are you-"_

 _"No", he answered before Kenren could formulated his question. He could see a glimpse of hope in Kenren's eyes getting destroyed. Disappointment was all at that was left in those eyes – had he really hoped that he had conceived a child?_

 _A strange silence slowly spread itself out, filling the room with a heavy atmosphere. They caught themselves holding hands – giving each other some comfort._

 _Kenren tiled his head to the side, smiling softly._

 _"I think I want a girl. She would be quite a beauty", he laughed, brushing a strand behind Tenpou's ear._

 _Tenpou responded with a smile, squeezing the other's hand. Kenren leaned forward placing a kiss on the other man's cheeks, catching himself thinking about a life slowly forming; both of their traits - Tenpou's beauty and his own sturbbornness- inherited. When had he become such a softie?_

Hakkai woke up in tears – small drops running down his cheeks. A moment later Gojyo was wiping those tears away, holding his face cupped between his hands.

"It's over", Gojyo repeated over and over again, but it didn't seem to have any effect.

"We…I-I wanted one so badly", Hakkai whispered between heavy sobs.

"I know", Gojyo said.

It had taken Hakkai three weeks to tell him about this dream; four nights to tell him the whole story behind their past conversation. Gojyo had never questioned if that what Hakkai saw every night was really the truth. After learning about their past lives, they just knew that their dreams had shown them most oft their pasts already. This one was no exception. They did know that they had shared an intimated relationship in the past – a secret one.

Sometimes they found themselves in situation where they were only millimeters away from kissing each other. Somehow, they had found a way to cope with the growing attraction towards one another – stupid comments and jokes. But with Hakkai's dreams everything came crushing down on them. They had to face something they were not prepared for.

In the beginning they made fun of their past relationship. Joking sometimes about who had been the one to bottom and the one to top. However, _this_ topic weighted heavily on them.

 _The bright sunlight woke Kenren from his peaceful slumber. Disoriented he looked around, smiling when he remembered that Tenpu hadn't let him go after they had undressed each other to only lose themselves in the heated moment. He raised himself into a sitting position, looking at his partner who was fast asleep. The blanket didn't hide Tenpou's hands over his abdomen. Kenren sighed, looking away, brushing through his hair. He didn't know if Goku or the conversation they had five weeks ago, was stirring in Tenpou the desire to have a child of his own. It didn't matter anyway. Kenren knew he would give the other man what he wanted. If he wanted a child, so be it. Maybe it would take years for Tenpou to conceived a child, maybe a century – there was also the possibility that they wouldn't be able to have one entirely. Children of gods were a rare thing – something to be treasured above everything else._

 _His thoughts wandered to Nataku. What a miserable child had been born in Heaven._

Hakkai had calmed down. The tears were sealed and Gojyo could only hope that their night rest wouldn't be disturbed by another dream.

"Do you remember-", Hakkai started, his eyes searching for Gojyo's.

A familiar feeling was building up in his chest when he heard Hakkai's sentence.

"You never told me what I should remember."

Hakkei's lips formed a smile, pleased with Gojyo's reaction caused by broken memories of their past lives.

"It would have been inappropriate to talk about a child when we knew that we wouldn't survive the next day", Hakkai told him.

Gojyo brushed through his long red strands, lying down on his back, looking at the dark ceiling above them.

"Probably."

"I'm not quite sure who I'm anymore", Hakkai said.

Gojyo took a deep breath, turning his head towards the other one.

"You are who you are."

Hakkai giggled – a soft laughter. Bed sheets were shuffled and Hakkai turned his back on him.

"Good night, Gojyo", was all he heard.

It took him quite some time to tear his gaze away from Hakkai's back. There was only one sentence in his mind. Words echoing so loud through his mind that he could almost feel his voice rising.

 _Take what you want, damn it!_

That day when the sakura trees lost all their pedals and blood was shed throughout the whole castle, a sharp blade cut through soft skin, killing an unborn child which had been the result of two powerful soldier's love for one another.


End file.
